I know I haven't posted for most of summer, but there has been so much drama with my Catullus. We went back and forth constantly, but it was pretty much the same thing every time. He was jealous and i wanted independence. I think I'm ready to be with him now though! He's currently the only man I'm seeing and I've felt better than I have in a while. He just wrote me this poem!
SI quicquam cupido optantique optigit umquam
insperanti, hoc est gratum animo proprie.
quare hoc est gratum nobis quoque carius auro
quod te restituis, Lesbia, mi cupido.
restituis cupido atque insperanti, ipsa refers te
nobis. o lucem candidiore nota!
quis me uno uiuit felicior aut magis hac est
optandus uita dicere quis poterit?
If anything ever occurred to anyone who desired or longed for
not expecting, this is especially satisfying to the spirit
Therefore this is pleasing to me more than precious gold
that you have restore, Lesbia, my desire
you restore to yourself this unexpected desire, bringing yourself to me
us. O familiar radiant life!
Who lives more happily than I alone, or who will be able
to say that these things are to be hoped for more than this life?
Isn't he wonderful? I can't believe that I ever rejected him for that dirty Ignatius!
Will we last this time? Only time will tell.....
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
July 20, 692
He's still trying to use my words against me. I don't understand why he can't just get over our relationship, I mean I know I'm not easy to get over, but his desperation is less than attractive.
DICEBAS quondam solum te nosse Catullum,
Lesbia, nec prae me uelle tenere Iouem.
dilexi tum te non tantum ut uulgus amicam,
sed pater ut gnatos diligit et generos.
nunc te cognoui: quare etsi impensius uror,
multo mi tamen es uilior et leuior.
qui potis est, inquis? quod amantem iniuria talis
cogit amare magis, sed bene uelle minus.
You said once that Catullus was your only friend,
Lesbia, and that you would not prefer Jupiter himself to me
I loved you then, not only as the common sort love a mistress
but as a father loves his sons and sons-in-law
now i know you, which makes me burn even worse
you are cheaper and of less meaning to me
How can that be, you ask? Because a hurt of such kind
forces a lover to love more, but to wish her less well
I wish he would stop trying to make me feel so guilty about not being faithful to him. He's so moody all the time! I couldn't handle all of his different emotions! So i sought the comfort of happier men. Is that really so bad?
DICEBAS quondam solum te nosse Catullum,
Lesbia, nec prae me uelle tenere Iouem.
dilexi tum te non tantum ut uulgus amicam,
sed pater ut gnatos diligit et generos.
nunc te cognoui: quare etsi impensius uror,
multo mi tamen es uilior et leuior.
qui potis est, inquis? quod amantem iniuria talis
cogit amare magis, sed bene uelle minus.
You said once that Catullus was your only friend,
Lesbia, and that you would not prefer Jupiter himself to me
I loved you then, not only as the common sort love a mistress
but as a father loves his sons and sons-in-law
now i know you, which makes me burn even worse
you are cheaper and of less meaning to me
How can that be, you ask? Because a hurt of such kind
forces a lover to love more, but to wish her less well
I wish he would stop trying to make me feel so guilty about not being faithful to him. He's so moody all the time! I couldn't handle all of his different emotions! So i sought the comfort of happier men. Is that really so bad?
July 1, 692
Catullus wrote me another poem about how he "loves me more than any other man could." I've heard all of this before from him, but I'm starting to think that it may be true. I'll admit that I kind of like torturing him like this- dangling my love right in front of his face, but never letting him reach it. Maybe someday I'll give it to him.
CAELI, Lesbia nostra, Lesbia illa.
illa Lesbia, quam Catullus unam
plus quam se atque suos amauit omnes,
nunc in quadriuiis et angiportis
glubit magnanimi Remi nepotes.
Oh heavens, our Lesbia, that Lesbia,
that Lesbia whom Catullus alone
loved more than himself and all he had
now in the streets and alleys
ready to toss of the descendants of the noble Remus
NVM te leaena montibus Libystinis
aut Scylla latrans infima inguinum parte
tam mente dura procreauit ac taetra,
ut supplicis uocem in nouissimo casu
contemptam haberes, a nimis fero corde?
Was it a Lioness from the Libyan mountains
or a Scylla from below her womb
that bear you, you that are so cold-hearted and monstrous
to supplement your voice in my last plight
with comtempt, a too savage heart?
... I'm starting to feel guilty about the way I treat him, but that's what he wants right? Part of me thinks he's being genuine, but the other part thinks that he's only saying these things to make me look like a bad guy.. and to get me to have sex with him.
CAELI, Lesbia nostra, Lesbia illa.
illa Lesbia, quam Catullus unam
plus quam se atque suos amauit omnes,
nunc in quadriuiis et angiportis
glubit magnanimi Remi nepotes.
Oh heavens, our Lesbia, that Lesbia,
that Lesbia whom Catullus alone
loved more than himself and all he had
now in the streets and alleys
ready to toss of the descendants of the noble Remus
NVM te leaena montibus Libystinis
aut Scylla latrans infima inguinum parte
tam mente dura procreauit ac taetra,
ut supplicis uocem in nouissimo casu
contemptam haberes, a nimis fero corde?
Was it a Lioness from the Libyan mountains
or a Scylla from below her womb
that bear you, you that are so cold-hearted and monstrous
to supplement your voice in my last plight
with comtempt, a too savage heart?
... I'm starting to feel guilty about the way I treat him, but that's what he wants right? Part of me thinks he's being genuine, but the other part thinks that he's only saying these things to make me look like a bad guy.. and to get me to have sex with him.
June 16, 692
I get it. He cleans his teeth with urine, get over it Catullus! I can't believe that he actually spent hours of his life writing a poem about one guy I was with, as though I was in a serious relationship with Ignatius. I'm not even in a real relationship with Catullus! Catullus is a silly, jealous man.
EGNATIVS, quod candidos habet dentes,
renidet usque quaque. si ad rei uentum est
subsellium, cum orator excitat fletum,
renidet ille; si ad pii rogum fili
lugetur, orba cum flet unicum mater,
renidet ille. quidquid est, ubicumque est,
quodcumque agit, renidet: hunc habet morbum,
neque elegantem, ut arbitror, neque urbanum.
Ignatius, because you have bright teeth,
you are always smiling
and if someone comes to the defendant's
when the speaker causes weeping, he smiles
If they are mourning at the funeral of a blessed son
when the bereaved mother is weeping for her only son, he smiles
he smiles, whatever it is, wherever he is
whatever he is doing, he smiles
it is a flaw he has, neither a refined one I think, nor is it in good taste
ut quo iste uester expolitior dens est,
hoc te amplius bibisse praedicet loti.
so that the cleaner your teeth are
the more urine you are shown to have drunk
EGNATIVS, quod candidos habet dentes,
renidet usque quaque. si ad rei uentum est
subsellium, cum orator excitat fletum,
renidet ille; si ad pii rogum fili
lugetur, orba cum flet unicum mater,
renidet ille. quidquid est, ubicumque est,
quodcumque agit, renidet: hunc habet morbum,
neque elegantem, ut arbitror, neque urbanum.
Ignatius, because you have bright teeth,
you are always smiling
and if someone comes to the defendant's
when the speaker causes weeping, he smiles
If they are mourning at the funeral of a blessed son
when the bereaved mother is weeping for her only son, he smiles
he smiles, whatever it is, wherever he is
whatever he is doing, he smiles
it is a flaw he has, neither a refined one I think, nor is it in good taste
ut quo iste uester expolitior dens est,
hoc te amplius bibisse praedicet loti.
so that the cleaner your teeth are
the more urine you are shown to have drunk
June 15, 692
He does still have feelings for me. He wrote another poem about my promiscuity. I'm relieved that I'm not that easy for him to get over, but he makes me feel embarrassed for ever talking to Ignatius. I'll admit that he may not be the cleanest or brightest guy in the world, but I was drunk when I met him. I feel like I'm always drunk when I meet men. I knew that he was from a more "rural" part of town, but I didn't realize that he actually cleaned his teeth with his urine. I thought he just ate onions or something....
SALAX taberna uosque contubernales,
a pilleatis nona fratribus pila,
solis putatis esse mentulas uobis,
solis licere, quidquid est puellarum,
confutuere et putare ceteros hircos?
an, continenter quod sedetis insulsi
centum an ducenti, non putatis ausurum
me una ducentos irrumare sessores?
atqui putate: namque totius uobis
frontem tabernae sopionibus scribam.
puella nam mi, quae meo sinu fugit,
amata tantum quantum amabitur nulla,
pro qua mihi sunt magna bella pugnata,
consedit istic. hanc boni beatique
omnes amatis, et quidem, quod indignum est,
omnes pusilli et semitarii moechi;
tu praeter omnes une de capillatis,
cuniculosae Celtiberiae fili,
Egnati. opaca quem bonum facit barba
et dens Hibera defricatus urina.
You and your companions of the lustful tavern,
the capped brothers of the ninth pillar,
Do you think that you alone have penises?
Do you think thatyou alone can have sex with whichever girl and call the others he-goats?
Or, because you fools sit in an unbroken line of 100 (or 200 perhaps?)
do you not think that I will dare to rape orally one or two hundred loungers?
Moreover you should think: for I will draw dicks on the front of the whole tavern for you
For my girl, whom has fled my embrace
whom I have loved as no other has loved
for whom great wars were fought by me,
has climbed to those I just mentioned.
all of you fine and well to do men love her, and indeed, which is undeserved, all of the small time louts and alleyway sex maniacs,
you are beyond the longhaired rabbit son of Celtiberae
Egnati, whose dark beard is good and makes teeth scoured in Spanish urine.
As much as the urine thing grosses me out, It makes me feel really special that Catullus is defensive of me.
SALAX taberna uosque contubernales,
a pilleatis nona fratribus pila,
solis putatis esse mentulas uobis,
solis licere, quidquid est puellarum,
confutuere et putare ceteros hircos?
an, continenter quod sedetis insulsi
centum an ducenti, non putatis ausurum
me una ducentos irrumare sessores?
atqui putate: namque totius uobis
frontem tabernae sopionibus scribam.
puella nam mi, quae meo sinu fugit,
amata tantum quantum amabitur nulla,
pro qua mihi sunt magna bella pugnata,
consedit istic. hanc boni beatique
omnes amatis, et quidem, quod indignum est,
omnes pusilli et semitarii moechi;
tu praeter omnes une de capillatis,
cuniculosae Celtiberiae fili,
Egnati. opaca quem bonum facit barba
et dens Hibera defricatus urina.
You and your companions of the lustful tavern,
the capped brothers of the ninth pillar,
Do you think that you alone have penises?
Do you think thatyou alone can have sex with whichever girl and call the others he-goats?
Or, because you fools sit in an unbroken line of 100 (or 200 perhaps?)
do you not think that I will dare to rape orally one or two hundred loungers?
Moreover you should think: for I will draw dicks on the front of the whole tavern for you
For my girl, whom has fled my embrace
whom I have loved as no other has loved
for whom great wars were fought by me,
has climbed to those I just mentioned.
all of you fine and well to do men love her, and indeed, which is undeserved, all of the small time louts and alleyway sex maniacs,
you are beyond the longhaired rabbit son of Celtiberae
Egnati, whose dark beard is good and makes teeth scoured in Spanish urine.
As much as the urine thing grosses me out, It makes me feel really special that Catullus is defensive of me.
June 10, 692
Ipsitilla? What kind of name is that? Who is she? Catullus left on a boat without saying any goodbyes. He's just come back and this is one of the poems he writes. I don't know why it bothers me so much, it's not like I love Catullus. He annoys me with his clingy-ness. Whatever, he can have his other women, I've certainly had other men. But could he really, truly love her? I never thought he'd get over me...
AMABO, mea dulcis Ipsitilla,
meae deliciae, mei lepores,
iube ad te ueniam meridiatum.
et si iusseris, illud adiuuato,
ne quis liminis obseret tabellam,
neu tibi lubeat foras abire,
sed domi maneas paresque
nobis nouem continuas fututiones.
uerum si quid ages, statim iubeto:
nam pransus iaceo et satur supinus
pertundo tunicamque palliumque.
I love you, my sweet Ipsitilla,
my darling, my charm,
I beg you to indulge in a midday siesta with me
and if you're willing, do me a favor
that no one bolt the panel of your door
nor that you leave and go out of doors as you please
but stay at home and prepare for us
to have sex nine continuous times
Truthfully if you want it, ask me immediately
For I have eaten lunch and I am full and i laid down on my back
on my bedcovers and boring a hole through my tunic
Why does this poem bother me so much?! I'm the one that broke up with him, yet this poem makes me nauseous. What am I going to do?
AMABO, mea dulcis Ipsitilla,
meae deliciae, mei lepores,
iube ad te ueniam meridiatum.
et si iusseris, illud adiuuato,
ne quis liminis obseret tabellam,
neu tibi lubeat foras abire,
sed domi maneas paresque
nobis nouem continuas fututiones.
uerum si quid ages, statim iubeto:
nam pransus iaceo et satur supinus
pertundo tunicamque palliumque.
I love you, my sweet Ipsitilla,
my darling, my charm,
I beg you to indulge in a midday siesta with me
and if you're willing, do me a favor
that no one bolt the panel of your door
nor that you leave and go out of doors as you please
but stay at home and prepare for us
to have sex nine continuous times
Truthfully if you want it, ask me immediately
For I have eaten lunch and I am full and i laid down on my back
on my bedcovers and boring a hole through my tunic
Why does this poem bother me so much?! I'm the one that broke up with him, yet this poem makes me nauseous. What am I going to do?
May 2, 692
I know haven't written in a while, I just been so busy. I can't believe I ever wasted my time with that Catullus, there are so many other men out there! I love all the attention I'm getting from all those men...but not the attention I'm getting from Catullus...still. He wrote yet another poem for me, this one's even worse than the last one.
caelitum, temptare simul parati,
pauca nuntiate meae puellae
non bona dicta.
cum suis uiuat ualeatque moechis,
quos simul complexa tenet trecentos,
nullum amans uere, sed identidem omnium
ilia rumpens;
nec meum respectet, ut ante, amorem,
qui illius culpa cecidit uelut prati
ultimi flos, praetereunte postquam
tactus aratro est.
whatever the will of the gods will bring
to take a message to my mistress
not good words
let her live and flourish with her adulterers
who she holds three hundred of them at once in her embrace
truly loving none of them, but repeatedly
rupturing their thighs
nor, no longer let her look back for my love as before
which by her fault, has fallen
like the farthest flower in the meadow, after
it has been touched by a passing plow
He makes me out to be some common whore! I don't understand why he can't just mind his own business if he truly does not love me any more. He must still love me if he feels the need to condemn my relations with other men.
caelitum, temptare simul parati,
pauca nuntiate meae puellae
non bona dicta.
cum suis uiuat ualeatque moechis,
quos simul complexa tenet trecentos,
nullum amans uere, sed identidem omnium
ilia rumpens;
nec meum respectet, ut ante, amorem,
qui illius culpa cecidit uelut prati
ultimi flos, praetereunte postquam
tactus aratro est.
whatever the will of the gods will bring
to take a message to my mistress
not good words
let her live and flourish with her adulterers
who she holds three hundred of them at once in her embrace
truly loving none of them, but repeatedly
rupturing their thighs
nor, no longer let her look back for my love as before
which by her fault, has fallen
like the farthest flower in the meadow, after
it has been touched by a passing plow
He makes me out to be some common whore! I don't understand why he can't just mind his own business if he truly does not love me any more. He must still love me if he feels the need to condemn my relations with other men.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
April 20, 692
Catullus is a very silly man with boyish feelings. He thought I actually loved him? HA! I only love conquest and lust. What is love anyways? I don't think it even exists. Catullus doesn't even love me, he loves the idea of having a secret lover. I am but a muse to him, one he obsesses over. Even when I break up with him, he continues to write poetry about me. This one is about "how much he doesn't need me" as though it were actually true. He'll come crawling back to me... they always do.
MISER Catulle, desinas ineptire,
et quod uides perisse perditum ducas.
fulsere quondam candidi tibi soles,
cum uentitabas quo puella ducebat
amata nobis quantum amabitur nulla.
Miserable Catullus, you must stop your folly,
and count as lost as what you see is lost
once the suns shone bright on you
when you once used to go so often where your sweetheart led
she who was loved by me as none will ever be loved
nunc iam illa non uult: tu quoque impotens noli,
nec quae fugit sectare, nec miser uiue,
sed obstinata mente perfer, obdura.
uale puella, iam Catullus obdurat,
nec te requiret nec rogabit inuitam.
at tu dolebis, cum rogaberis nulla.
scelesta, uae te, quae tibi manet uita?
quis nunc te adibit? cui uideberis bella?
quem nunc amabis? cuius esse diceris?
quem basiabis? cui labella mordebis?
at tu, Catulle, destinatus obdura.
now she desires you no more: neither should you, madman
do not chase her who flees, nor live in misery
but with a resolved mind, endure, be firm
Goodbye my mistress, now Catullus stands firm
He will not seek your or court you against your will
but you will be sorry when you are not looked for at all
Wicked, woe to you, What life is left for you?
Who will visit you now? Who will think you're pretty?
Whom will love you now? Whose will you be called?
Whom will you kiss? Whose lips will you bite?
but you Catullus remain determined.
....He's not over me, he'll come back..right?
MISER Catulle, desinas ineptire,
et quod uides perisse perditum ducas.
fulsere quondam candidi tibi soles,
cum uentitabas quo puella ducebat
amata nobis quantum amabitur nulla.
Miserable Catullus, you must stop your folly,
and count as lost as what you see is lost
once the suns shone bright on you
when you once used to go so often where your sweetheart led
she who was loved by me as none will ever be loved
nunc iam illa non uult: tu quoque impotens noli,
nec quae fugit sectare, nec miser uiue,
sed obstinata mente perfer, obdura.
uale puella, iam Catullus obdurat,
nec te requiret nec rogabit inuitam.
at tu dolebis, cum rogaberis nulla.
scelesta, uae te, quae tibi manet uita?
quis nunc te adibit? cui uideberis bella?
quem nunc amabis? cuius esse diceris?
quem basiabis? cui labella mordebis?
at tu, Catulle, destinatus obdura.
now she desires you no more: neither should you, madman
do not chase her who flees, nor live in misery
but with a resolved mind, endure, be firm
Goodbye my mistress, now Catullus stands firm
He will not seek your or court you against your will
but you will be sorry when you are not looked for at all
Wicked, woe to you, What life is left for you?
Who will visit you now? Who will think you're pretty?
Whom will love you now? Whose will you be called?
Whom will you kiss? Whose lips will you bite?
but you Catullus remain determined.
....He's not over me, he'll come back..right?
April 8, 692
I'm starting to get kind of creeped out by Catullus' obsession with me. I don't think he understands that I'm not looking for a relationship, just a good time. He keeps trying to be deep, but I'm just not ready for that type of commitment. He put this poem in my hand today when I left.
QVAERIS, quot mihi basiationes
tuae, Lesbia, sint satis superque.
quam magnus numerus Libyssae harenae
lasarpiciferis iacet Cyrenis
oraclum Iouis inter aestuosi
et Batti ueteris sacrum sepulcrum;
aut quam sidera multa, cum tacet nox,
furtiuos hominum uident amores:
tam te basia multa basiare
uesano satis et super Catullo est,
quae nec pernumerare curiosi
possint nec mala fascinare lingua.
You ask how many of your kisses are more than enough for me
Lesbia.
As great a number as the grains of Libyan sand
that lies on the silphium-bearing Cyrene
between the oracle of the sultry Jovis
and the sacred tomb of old Batti
or as many as the stars, when the night is silent,
that see the secret affairs of men
then to kiss you with so many kisses
it is enough and more than enough for your Catullus
which neither can be counted by curiosity
nor an evil tongue bewitch
.... You see what I mean? I don't know how he could be so foolish to think that I feel the same way....or that he's the only other man I'm seeing. I'll have to show him the truth, before his obsessions get even worse.
QVAERIS, quot mihi basiationes
tuae, Lesbia, sint satis superque.
quam magnus numerus Libyssae harenae
lasarpiciferis iacet Cyrenis
oraclum Iouis inter aestuosi
et Batti ueteris sacrum sepulcrum;
aut quam sidera multa, cum tacet nox,
furtiuos hominum uident amores:
tam te basia multa basiare
uesano satis et super Catullo est,
quae nec pernumerare curiosi
possint nec mala fascinare lingua.
You ask how many of your kisses are more than enough for me
Lesbia.
As great a number as the grains of Libyan sand
that lies on the silphium-bearing Cyrene
between the oracle of the sultry Jovis
and the sacred tomb of old Batti
or as many as the stars, when the night is silent,
that see the secret affairs of men
then to kiss you with so many kisses
it is enough and more than enough for your Catullus
which neither can be counted by curiosity
nor an evil tongue bewitch
.... You see what I mean? I don't know how he could be so foolish to think that I feel the same way....or that he's the only other man I'm seeing. I'll have to show him the truth, before his obsessions get even worse.
April 3, 692
Lately I've been getting dirty looks from all of the senators while I walk in the street. It's because of my relationship with Catullus. They just don't understand that I don't love Quintus, my husband. I didn't choose to marry him and I feel trapped in our relationship. Catullus makes me feel alive, as free as a bird. When I'm with him I feel like I'm soaring above the world, but when I leave, I crash back into reality and doubt why I ever wandered from my monotonous life as a house wife.
Catullus wrote me a poem that eased my anxious feelings. Here it is:
VIVAMUS mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
soles occidere et redire possunt:
nobis cum semel occidit breuis lux,
nox est perpetua una dormienda.
da mi basia mille, deinde centum,
dein mille altera, dein secunda centum,
deinde usque altera mille, deinde centum.
dein, cum milia multa fecerimus,
conturbabimus illa, ne sciamus,
aut ne quis malus inuidere possit,
cum tantum sciat esse basiorum.
Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love
and value at one penny
the talk of all the old men
the sun may set and then be able to rise
For us, when the dim light set
remains to be slept the sleep of an unbroken night
Give me a thousand kisses, and then a hundred,
Then another thousand, then a second hundred
then another thousand, then a hundred
Then, when we have made many thousands
we will mix them all up so that we don't know,
and so that no one can be jealous of us when he finds out
how many kisses we have shared.
Catullus wrote me a poem that eased my anxious feelings. Here it is:
VIVAMUS mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
soles occidere et redire possunt:
nobis cum semel occidit breuis lux,
nox est perpetua una dormienda.
da mi basia mille, deinde centum,
dein mille altera, dein secunda centum,
deinde usque altera mille, deinde centum.
dein, cum milia multa fecerimus,
conturbabimus illa, ne sciamus,
aut ne quis malus inuidere possit,
cum tantum sciat esse basiorum.
Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love
and value at one penny
the talk of all the old men
the sun may set and then be able to rise
For us, when the dim light set
remains to be slept the sleep of an unbroken night
Give me a thousand kisses, and then a hundred,
Then another thousand, then a second hundred
then another thousand, then a hundred
Then, when we have made many thousands
we will mix them all up so that we don't know,
and so that no one can be jealous of us when he finds out
how many kisses we have shared.
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